No I'm not!
Notice: Devin I beg you not to read this one or I will not talk to you any more!
I've been thinking for a while, but never with much attention, this time I was really serious, I just wanted to make sure, I must get a clear decision.
Let's go back to Sunday afternoon, I had a date but missed it. It wasn't my idea, Hugh thought meeting a new girl & spending some time with her or thinking about her, will do me good & help me not to go back to my depression swamps.
I just used one of these on line friend finders; we chatted & send e-mails for a time & then got to the point better see each other. Well sometimes you shouldn't write everything in your blog, when you know some one may read it. I sometimes felt there's something wrong in my relation with that little 11yr old Devin, but never thought it was serious. Now I'm sure I did make a mistake.
I looked at the clock 6, plenty of time, I took a shower & then put on my best T-shirt & jeans (I don't like suits, so won't wear unless I have to) then left home, it was just 7, gotta be at Labdel by 8, I jus wanted to walk to the place giving myself the chance to think carefully before doing anything. As I reached 2nd floor, Elena's door opened & Devin's head came outta the door; she told me her mother & brothers were out shopping & she was left alone, then asked me if I could stay there & play with her for a while. I had time so I accepted, her favorite game's Mr. Diamond. A set of plastic pieces with a shining part on top & set of cards, put the pieces on a tray, some moving some fixed & gotta take one each time to put on your cards, not much boring. I told her I could stat only 30 minutes so just tell me when it was 7:30, we kept on playing & I couldn't see the clock from where I was sitting & didn't find my watch to wear; any way tired of playing I found out it was 5 to eight, hell, how could I get there in 5 minutes; I ran out trying to find a cab; I got there at a quarter after eight & she was gone, I returned home feeling upset & thinking of an excuse to make, when I reached 2nd floor , Devin opened the door again, I asked:" your mom's back?"
And she was. I wasn't angry with Devin, thought she forgot to look at the clock. I just wanted to go back home when Devin asked:" you didn't meet her?" I shook my head, & she whispered "good". I felt there was sth wrong with my story, she was happy I missed my date & then I asked myself why. Without noticing I grabbed hold of the girl & asked:" you did it intentionally, didn't ya?" and indeed, she planned it knowing she was left alone at that time.
I was really furious & without saying a word I left, actually I was so crazy of my neighbors poking their noses into my personal affairs & so tired of Doug that left Boston early the next morning without saying a word.
Well they looked for me later, surprised & a bit hurt of what I did. They were not interfering in my life, I just let 'em in.
I spend a lot of time thinking about that Sunday evening, (all the way to NY) & at last I got to some conclusions.
Devin envied my date, thinking I won't play with her anymore; she just wanted to keep her play mate safe!
And I didn't need to tell her where I was going, 'cause she already knew it by reading my blog; I knew she has my address, she just found it while she was upstairs with me & my laptop's always on, so not a difficult thing for a curious girl!
The truth is I didn't want to meet Vickie; it wasn't difficult to turn my head & take a look at the clock earlier. I'm not interested in girls any more, even the time I was still with Meg. Now I know why me& Meg broke up; it wasn't her fault, it was all my fault & I was so blind I didn't notice, or may be I was just tryin to deceive myself.
I'm 24 now & think I should decide on my sexuality, I thought about it every now & then but never seriously. Since I met Clyde & Hugh I sometimes think of trying that way of life, but remembering my mom's words always persuaded me not to do that or she would never forgive me.
I'm sure that I have no feeling toward girls any more, I just don't enjoy 'em; and thinking carefully it's more than 2years,(just tried to convince myself I did care, but a big lie!) may be it's the effect of so many drugs I tried, it is possible! When I was certain about this theory, something agonizing crossed my mind. Am I gay? I don't really care if some one is, like Clyde… but it's important talking about me.
I've been thinking to it for over a day now , some times I felt I am, some times not, but at last I made my mind, I'm not. I'm not, I AM NOT!
Now I feel relaxed, I don't want any physical contact with any one neither a woman nor a man; all I need is a strong spirit to lead me to the right path; wow I feel released!
Gotta have some breakfast now!
I've been thinking for a while, but never with much attention, this time I was really serious, I just wanted to make sure, I must get a clear decision.
Let's go back to Sunday afternoon, I had a date but missed it. It wasn't my idea, Hugh thought meeting a new girl & spending some time with her or thinking about her, will do me good & help me not to go back to my depression swamps.
I just used one of these on line friend finders; we chatted & send e-mails for a time & then got to the point better see each other. Well sometimes you shouldn't write everything in your blog, when you know some one may read it. I sometimes felt there's something wrong in my relation with that little 11yr old Devin, but never thought it was serious. Now I'm sure I did make a mistake.
I looked at the clock 6, plenty of time, I took a shower & then put on my best T-shirt & jeans (I don't like suits, so won't wear unless I have to) then left home, it was just 7, gotta be at Labdel by 8, I jus wanted to walk to the place giving myself the chance to think carefully before doing anything. As I reached 2nd floor, Elena's door opened & Devin's head came outta the door; she told me her mother & brothers were out shopping & she was left alone, then asked me if I could stay there & play with her for a while. I had time so I accepted, her favorite game's Mr. Diamond. A set of plastic pieces with a shining part on top & set of cards, put the pieces on a tray, some moving some fixed & gotta take one each time to put on your cards, not much boring. I told her I could stat only 30 minutes so just tell me when it was 7:30, we kept on playing & I couldn't see the clock from where I was sitting & didn't find my watch to wear; any way tired of playing I found out it was 5 to eight, hell, how could I get there in 5 minutes; I ran out trying to find a cab; I got there at a quarter after eight & she was gone, I returned home feeling upset & thinking of an excuse to make, when I reached 2nd floor , Devin opened the door again, I asked:" your mom's back?"
And she was. I wasn't angry with Devin, thought she forgot to look at the clock. I just wanted to go back home when Devin asked:" you didn't meet her?" I shook my head, & she whispered "good". I felt there was sth wrong with my story, she was happy I missed my date & then I asked myself why. Without noticing I grabbed hold of the girl & asked:" you did it intentionally, didn't ya?" and indeed, she planned it knowing she was left alone at that time.
I was really furious & without saying a word I left, actually I was so crazy of my neighbors poking their noses into my personal affairs & so tired of Doug that left Boston early the next morning without saying a word.
Well they looked for me later, surprised & a bit hurt of what I did. They were not interfering in my life, I just let 'em in.
I spend a lot of time thinking about that Sunday evening, (all the way to NY) & at last I got to some conclusions.
Devin envied my date, thinking I won't play with her anymore; she just wanted to keep her play mate safe!
And I didn't need to tell her where I was going, 'cause she already knew it by reading my blog; I knew she has my address, she just found it while she was upstairs with me & my laptop's always on, so not a difficult thing for a curious girl!
The truth is I didn't want to meet Vickie; it wasn't difficult to turn my head & take a look at the clock earlier. I'm not interested in girls any more, even the time I was still with Meg. Now I know why me& Meg broke up; it wasn't her fault, it was all my fault & I was so blind I didn't notice, or may be I was just tryin to deceive myself.
I'm 24 now & think I should decide on my sexuality, I thought about it every now & then but never seriously. Since I met Clyde & Hugh I sometimes think of trying that way of life, but remembering my mom's words always persuaded me not to do that or she would never forgive me.
I'm sure that I have no feeling toward girls any more, I just don't enjoy 'em; and thinking carefully it's more than 2years,(just tried to convince myself I did care, but a big lie!) may be it's the effect of so many drugs I tried, it is possible! When I was certain about this theory, something agonizing crossed my mind. Am I gay? I don't really care if some one is, like Clyde… but it's important talking about me.
I've been thinking to it for over a day now , some times I felt I am, some times not, but at last I made my mind, I'm not. I'm not, I AM NOT!
Now I feel relaxed, I don't want any physical contact with any one neither a woman nor a man; all I need is a strong spirit to lead me to the right path; wow I feel released!
Gotta have some breakfast now!
posted by Keith at Tuesday, June 21, 2005
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